"Conversational Partner" seems too strong
Rhodri prodded me into omegle.com. Interesting concept but I can't say I've managed to have any sort of interesting conversation yet...
Buy some: Fanfarlo
May 29, 2009
April 26, 2009
The need for more accurate signage
Someone had scrawled "Bathroom In" on a piece of paper with a Sharpie. Seemed like a safe bet right? As I walked in the door and saw the boxes and general storage room state I realized the sign was a bit off. I turned around to walk out but the door had shut behind me. I stared at the back of a door with no handle. Huh. I walked into the bathroom come storage closet and found another door... locked from the outside.
It's 11 am on a Saturday and I'm locked in a Chicago Public School bathroom somewhere in the vicinity of 71st St & Ashland. Ummm.... this is apparently the karma due to me for getting up early on a Saturday morning to volunteer. As I start to call the friend I came with I am recalling all of the signs on every open wall saying "Volunteers & Girls: No Cell Phones, No Text Messaging. This is for your privacy." Ring. Ring. Ring. No answer. I bang on the door a few times, aware that I'd walked down a pretty empty hall to find this particular storage closet. I am trying very hard not to panic. I send a text message to my friend, "Help. I am trapped in a bathroom." I wait, taking deep breathes and investigating if there's possibly any other route out of my current prison. I begin to fear my friend has left her phone in the car. I know no one else in the building. I send out a twitter, thinking the world might be slightly amused at my current situation. I wait what seems like an hour but is probably only five minutes. It's a huge sigh of relief when my phone finally registers a text from my friend and salvation is on the way...
The Boy Least Likely To - A Fairytale Ending
Peter Bjorn and John - I Want You!
Buy some: The Vaselines, The Boy Least Likely To, Peter Bjorn and John
March 25, 2009
On Rugs
As I was walking home in the rain last night I momentarily hid out under the canopy of a local merchant that sells Moroccan rugs. I stared through their window at the brightly colored patterns hanging on their walls and draped over blocks to notice their floor, covered in flor. Now I'm all for flor, i have some in my home and back when I lived in Grand Rapids even worked on the occasional project for Interface AR (Flor's not-as-eco-friendly-back-then parent company.) But... isn't it a bit strange that a rug company is covering their own floor with someone else's product?
December 8, 2008
$70 Acrylics and 70¢ Perfume
I got on public transit this morning at my brand new, shiny, barely-out-of-the-box, el station and sat down on the train. It was nice to enjoy a quick el ride to work instead of the tedious bus I've been riding for the past year. What wasn't nice was the traveling companion who joined me at Sedgwick. As we pulled out of the station a woman, mid 50's, nicely dressed, sits next to me. I almost immediately wanted to vomit.
This woman, with the expensive French manicured acrylic nails and Cole Haan heels... smelled like rotting food. ROTTING FOOD. It was as if she stepped from Michigan Ave to the garbage dump and then onto the el. There were several open seats in the car... it was as if she purposely sat her STANK right next to me. I held my nose, I breathed into my coat, I covered my face... to no avail the smell was just unbearable. Thankfully, I only had to wait it out for three stops before I could run RUN RUN far away from her. Bleck!
I am definitely curious how a woman, who seemingly has everything together and appears outwardly clean and proper, can smell SO DAMN BAD without even knowing it. If this woman realized how bad she smelled she most definitely would do something about it... that $70 pair of acrylics on her fingers tells a story of a woman of means who values her appearance.
Swan Lee - Perfume
Hooverphonic - Inhaler
Buy some: Camera Obscura, Swan Lee, Hooverphonic
April 21, 2008
Angry?
"I told you if you got angry enough you'd like this album."
- Brian on OK Computer
January 29, 2008
Jump!
I was walking down the street when I saw him in the alley out of the corner of my eye. About three feet tall, in a yellow jacket and staring intently at a huge puddle. With the sudden warmer weather, the alleys seem to be all puddle. He stood absolutely still and stared... and I realized right then he was gonna do it. I reached into my bag to grab my camera. As I struggled to get the lens cap off he was airborne. With one quick motion he was completely drenched in dirty snow melt with a HUGE sh#t eating grin on his face. Suddenly from the nearby house... "Tommy! You did NOT just jump in that puddle! Get in the house RIGHT THIS SECOND!"
I couldn't get the shot off in time, but at least I didn't miss that smile.
Buy some: The Marlboro Chorus, Black Kids
January 21, 2008
Divorced From Reality
Photo from Eagle vs Shark
- Standing at my bus stop, not very patiently, waiting for the #11. I hear her before I see her. Swish Swish Swish, the sound of polyester pants. I look up from the crack in the sidewalk I am trying to move with my Uri Geller like concentration. Walking towards me is a girl who looked like she stepped off a lift at Steamboat... Burton snowboarding jacket (not so odd in this weather), snowboarding pants (!), snowboarding boots (!!). All presented not with a snowboard in hand, but a dainty floral Kate Spade handbag. Swish Swish Swish. She walks past.
- Still standing at the bus stop, even less patience than before. The crack in the sidewalk has still not altered despite my intense stare.
"Hey Cubs. Hey Cubs. Hey Hey SLUT!"
I look up. An elderly man with Treasure Island grocery bags in his hands is standing across the street yelling at a fence. I think first about the bags, quickly deciphering that the closest Treasure Island is probably in Hyde Park and six months from opening. I dub ye olde crazy man, future man. I begin to envision him as the Future Tense of the 20 something office worker to my left at the bus stop.
Present Tense is ignoring Future Tense. Future Tense turns from his fence that he's so apt at antagonizing... and starts screaming at Present Tense and I. Future Tense's screams are indecipherable in the wind and snow. Present Tense mumbles something about crazies...
"Hey Cubs! Hey! HEYY! Cubs Slut!"
I ponder taking my camera out of my bag. I never know the appropriateness of taking a photo in a situation like this. While no, it's not generally nice to take photos of the delusional... Future Tense here has this look of utmost determination that it would be a shame to miss. The anger is wrinkling up his forehead as he takes a long breathe and starts screaming again...
"Cubs SLUUUUUUT"
- Still at the god damn bus stop. Future Tense has wandered off. Present Tense must have got bored of waiting and hopped on the blue line. Cars scream by overhead on the freeway. The #11 finally turns the corner and approaches the huddled masses under the freeway. The bus pulls up and stops. The doors do not open. The driver looks at me. He opens a copy of the Red Eye and waits.
Buy some: The Phoenix Foundation
December 5, 2007
Joy!
"Liz, you bring joy to my life." - Brian
Apparently I'm back to my normal, happy-go-lucky self.1
1 At least he seemed to have a straight face when he said it.
Buy some: The Minders, The Thrills
October 24, 2007
The List of Random Things That Make Me Think 'A-Ha I Should Write This Down For No One But Me To Care About'...
- Sonicare Toothbrushes might be the most awesome invention in my bathroom. Seriously. I am addicted. After traveling to LA with said toothbrushes to have my friends go "Whaaa" I am even more sold. It makes my teeth feel like I have just been to the dentist. Going to the dentist TWICE A DAY! Nothing seems more magical. I might be the only person alive who does not hate the entire field of dentistry. After hearing from dentist after dentist "Your teeth are perfect" I have perfected the art of going to the dentist. If something on me must be perfect, teeth is not a bad way to go. Slightly less obvious than some things but good for the future I must think.
- I sat on the train tonight headed home and a blind man got on and sat directly in front of me. While I do have a passing interest in how blind people go about their day this was not the feature of said blind man that fascinated me1. Oh no, it was his near perfect impression of a muppet. Not in a small fuzzy kind of way but in an exaggerated frown kind of thing. It made me wonder, if one doesn't ever see facial expressions, does someone not understand that a frown of that magnitude makes people wonder about your character? I do not expect the world around me to reflect a perfect pop song with constant smiles but I have never seen a living person with such an exaggerated frown. He reminded me of Sam The Eagle.
- It might have been in poor taste today to ask the owner of the company I work for whether my client was hiring so I didn't need to pretend to work for him anymore. I may not have stated it exactly like that, but it probably wasn't too far off judging by the look on his face2.
1 Nor was it his reading of some legal document 2" from his left eye with a lighted magnifying glass making me "Whaaaa?" when he couldn't tell which side of the paper was up without feeling for the corner with the staple in it.
2 Although by even saying the word "muppet" I have just guaranteed a comment from Heather and this excites me.
Buy some: Sprites, no really, go buy something from Jason so he can continue to good fight of Damn it, you can't keep calling your band Barcelona, we already existed and have called it quits.
August 1, 2007
Dreamaniacs
What do you do when you wake up panicked in the middle of the night because records are turning into inflatable bongos?
Buy some: Bettie Serveert, Cessna, Grandaddy
July 12, 2007
Lose A Parakeet?
This little dude flew into our open office window this morning. After catching him and making him a new home in a box he seems to be quite terrified. We've tried to feed him sunflower seeds and green beans in lieu of actual bird food. He just squawks at us. We're gonna hang posters around the neighborhood but if you know someone in downtown Chicago who lost a chubby little parakeet please send them my way.
June 29, 2007
Friday Mashups
In honor of completely random things being mashed together (passports and smoothies??)...
Mashup of The Stone Roses - Fools Gold, Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing & Air - La Femme D'Argent
Totom - Don't Talk Amelie (Put Your Head On My Shoulder)
Mashup of The Beach Boys - Don't Talk (Put Your Head On My Shoulder) & Yann Tiersen - La valse d'Amelie
1 Thank you to GMSkarka for clarifying the name of this track!
June 26, 2007
Laugh of the Day
In case you need something laughable today, like we all need something laughable... a nicked bit of clever from Mimi Smartypants!
"Same El ride, honest to god. It was an action-packed commute! A lady with really hairy arms sat next to me, and her hairy arms are neither here nor there but it was something I noticed when I did the Urban Eye Slide peripheral glance to see what she was reading. She was reading a little Christian pamphlet, hey cool not my thing but whatever. Then Christian Tract Lady put that away and got out a small stack of identical pamphlets, and sat there quietly for a while. Even though my nose was still in my book I just knew her plan was to distribute these in some way, probably starting with me. I was right. And because I was feeling restless and frisky (I blame you, Dud Avocado), I then did something kind of weird.CTL: Can I interest you in some of my literature?
Me: No. Can I interest you in some of mine?
CTL: Oh...well...what's it about?
[already rummaging in my bag] Me: Hmmm. [hands her a Target receipt, which was the only giveaway paper I could find] It seems to be about what I bought at Target.
CTL [with angry look]: No thank you. [she gets up and walks down the train aisle]
Me [calling after her]: But I think you'll find it very edifying!I think my tract did not look professional enough, that must be the problem. I'm off to Kinko's to print up and staple together some of my Theories, so I can be ready for the next time."
Buy some: Baxendale
June 20, 2007
Come On Sucker, Lick My Batteries
Photo from HBO
A year and a half ago at SxSW I went to a party for the government of New Zealand. Really, I had RSVP'd to see The Brunettes for the 3rd time or so over the past few months1. While we waited we were treated to a few songs from a variety of musicians like Coco Solid and some singer-songwriter girl whose name escapes me. The absolute highlight, gem, new-love-of-the-festival was the introduction of Flight of the Conchords. Jermaine and Bret's straight man act totally stole the show, had the assembled masses in stitches and made a fast fan of me. Why?
As hysterical as the Mp3s2 of their performances are, their live sets are uproarious and totally unexpected. Cut to now. They aren't exactly a secret anymore. The posters advertising their new HBO series are posted on nearly every street corner in Chicago. I tuned in for the first episode and wasn't disappointed... except with the splicing and editing of "The Humans Are Dead". I can't wait to see where they take this show. In the meantime...
1 I can't ever get enough of The Brunettes. I am anxiously awaiting the day that I can share a few songs from their new record.
2 A HUGE thank you to Lawrence in NZ for hooking me with the rare available-in-NZ-only tunes.
Buy some: Flight of the Conchords
June 19, 2007
No Flip Flops??
Di: It would be quite fun to dress you up as a goth... clothes, makeup and all.
Me: I could be a goth, I wear a lot of black.
Di: You do know goths don't ever wear flip flops?
Me: Oh
(Frown)
But these are better than regular flip flops. They have this thing covering my big toes so I can't hurt myself.
Di: NO FLIP FLOPS
Me: But it's so hot outside!
Di: No Flip Flops, only boots. Even in the heat.
Me: HMPH
(under my breathe)
I could just be a goth in flip flops.
Di: (Rolls eyes)
Buy some: The Shortwave Set
June 1, 2007
Petunia, Brian and Tulip
Most of Chicagoland has been overrun by cicadas. Most. Somehow my neighborhood (full of old trees) has been unscathed thusfar. When I mentioned this to a co-worker yesterday she offered to bring me in some cicadas to share in the joy. Sure enough when I turned up at work today a little plastic container of cicadas was sitting on my desk.
After a few hours, my new friends (Petunia, Brian and Tulip) didn't appear to be very happy living under the harsh light of my desklamp (even though they were well cared for in their plastic land of tall grass and twigs). It was decided that we'd set them free to live their lives to the best of their ability in the park across from the office.
My co-worker and I went to the park to let our new little cicada friends go. As my co-worker shook up the plastic container one of the cicadas (Brian), flew up into the air. As the other cicadas were discovering the world of bark and mulch under the shade of a maple tree, a robin came out of the next tree and ATE poor little Brian in mid-air.
RIP Brian. Life's short, enjoy some music on your Friday.
Both The Rosebuds and Loney, Dear are in Chicago today. Ahem, GO SEE THEM LIVE. You'll be missing out if you don't. Oh, but you'll have to pick one or the other because they're on stage roughly the same time across town from each other.
Buy some: The Rosebuds, Loney, Dear, The Pigeon Detectives, Dubstar
April 28, 2007
What is wrong with this picture?
I think, errr, I hope that someone at The Chicago Tribune has simply messed up the weather icons. The world could possibly end if it could snow *while* being 80 degrees.
Buy some: They Might Be Giants
September 15, 2006
It's the little things...
Often it's the little things that are basically unexplainable that force a smile on my face. I was sitting at work this afternoon kerning the word "Multi-Grain" to within a millimeter of it's life when I heard something in my headphones that brought back a pleasant memories. A co-worker walking past must have been looking at me during that instant I smiled for no apparent reason. He stopped, he looked at me, he looked at my monitor (with the word "Multi-Grain" taking up 80% of my 21" monitor). He shrugged and walked on. The smile trigger was in my headphones...
It's March, I'm in Austin standing a few feet back from yet another stage during SxSW. It's mid-afternoon of lord knows what day, the sun and sound are out in full force. For about twenty minutes I've been watching a band I am extremely familiar with sing, stomp, strum and generally beat the crap out of their set. They're playing with as much enthusiasm and gusto and they have for years, if not more. I'm looking up at the guitarist... sweat dripping from his brow... and contemplating that one magnificent pool game at Double Door where I kicked his a$$ in a style I had never done before (and probably never will again). That instant he stops staring at his strings, the crowd, his beer, whatever... and looks directly at me. I wink. He must not have noticed yet that my friends and I were there. He let out a little laugh and gave me the hugest grin I've ever seen on his face. It's rather amazing that just the memory of an unexpected smile can bring a grin to my face nine months after happening. The trigger...
Buy some: Metric
August 30, 2006
Overheard in Email
I've got to get my head cut off for rabies testing after yesterday's incident.
Rabies?!?
Yeah, biting that girl was worth it though. Seriously, bitch be pullin my tail and thinkin it's funny. She got what she had coming.
June 27, 2006
Doctors Ick!
In a rare case of pathognomonic telepathy, I have determined the cause of my illness. I know, will wonders never cease? I've decided that if you know your way around a hospital marketing department, you are qualified to diagnose your own medical conditions.
I've narrowed my problem down based upon a simple observation. When I lay down (read: bed, couch, bathtub) I feel fine (even with an 800 page novel propped on my tummy... well not in the bathtub silly, the pages would get all wet). When I sit upright (read: work, public transit, life) I feel incredibly near puking. Therefore, my stomach is allergic to working! Well, I can't I tell you what a relief this is. Now that I can just take care of that really quickly with...
Oh wait... there's no way in the world I can get out of sitting upright for the rest of my life. I guess I'm back to square one. And no, I've not actually gone to the doctor (doctors ick!). I've decided that by ignoring the feeling on the el (aided by incredibly loud music pumping through my headphones) and leaving a garbage can next to my desk while I work, I can suffer through quite admirably. See, no reason to go through ages of school like my father to get that Dr. at the end of my name... I've got a medical creative commons license1.
1 Actually, I haven't. As much as I appreciate Lawrence Lessig's work I've never actually applied. I should get right on that though if it can help me beat the nausea. It's probably a better idea than constantly sipping cups of green tea and expensive imported mineral water.
2 I know, there's no actual #2 footnote in my text but I thought I'd take this opportunity to make one up and tell you to visit Little Elpees to get yourself some damn fine Skippyaction and some tunes you know you've never heard but should have.
3 If you don't know what Skippyaction is, yer missing out.
May 22, 2006
What do I think? Needs more salt.
My father, and the president are in town this morning. My father is here for the National Restaurant Association (NRA) trade show. President Bush is here to address the NRA trade show about the war in Iraq. Do you suppose his scheduler was really that stupid to think that this NRA trade show was for the other NRA? I'm not quite clear why the president of the country wants to discuss our Iraqi foreign policy with restaurateurs?
December 29, 2005
Band Stickers of the Day
December 28, 2005
Holiday Reading
Since I've had some time to slay in airport departure lounges and between holiday cuppas I've finished a few books over the past couple days...
The Know-It-All : One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World by AJ Jacobs is my first recommended book. This is often hilarious and always geeky. This writer (Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, NPR) shows off his true geekiness by spending 18 months reading the ENTIRE Encyclopaedia Britannica... all 44 million words of it. He chronicles his journey into higher learning, forgetfulness and search for the ultimate truth in this funny memoir. As silly as his quest sounds, just reading along made me feel like I'd accomplished his impossible task. I learned some hysterical facts along the way and turned the pages just as quickly as possible. In case you'd like a sample you can listen to him spout off on NPR as a monthly audio columnist along the way.
Jonathan Ames has quite a way of twisting sentences in Wake Up Sir!. Cute story, not very highbrow but a marvelous story teller. This short novel about an alcoholic writer made me laugh out loud in places. He hires himself a butler, for no discernable reason other than he's got money and can't manage his own life. As entertaining as the story is to read I still can't help but marvel at the way Jonathan switches up his vocabulary and writing style. It's not the story that got to me, it's the style. I will try to seek out a few of his other books to see if they're all this good. Recommended for light yet extremely creative reading.
December 19, 2005
My Cousin Barack
My mother (the genealogist) has discovered we are related to Barack Obama. His great-great-great-great-great somebody married my great-great-great-great-great somebody in 1776 in New Jersey. Perhaps this will finally be the way I can get her to vote Democratic.
December 2, 2005
Overheard in Chicago
(Two normal looking late 30s guys walking down the street)
Guy 1: Well, are you all ready for the big event tomorrow?
Guy 2: Yeah, I went to the leather store last night.
January 18, 2005
So begins the painting project...
The Good:
- I have all the brush work done on
onetwo wall(s) of my bedroom.
- The color is turning out nicely.
- My ladder-lending-friend gets a new ladder.
- I didn't fall very far.
- I managed three loads of laundry during the chaos.
- I didn't ruin my hardwood floors.
- Uhh... as my phone starting vibrating in my back pocket it scared me and I fell off the ladder.
- My favorite jeans are ruined.
- My vintage cannot-be-found-again 'That Dog' t-shirt... also ruined.
- My apartment looks like a construction zone.
- In the midst of cleanup I realized I was tracking the paint all over my hardwood floors and had also ruined my slippers.
- Painting is hard without a friend to help.
- More ammunition for people who think I'm an idiot.
- I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.
July 28, 2004
Various Shades of Pink
I was minding my own business, working quietly on this package of Chicken something-or-other in front of me when Morrissey's 'Pregnant for the Last Time' came on my lil iPod. As I customarily do with this song (it being so poppy and having fabulous boppy horn and drum bits)... I began to dance in my chair. My head is going to and fro, my shoulders swaying and my feet doing something regarding the Charleston under my desk and this STRANGE MAN POPS HIS HEAD INTO MY OFFICE and I screamed, LOUDLY.
EEEK!
I forgot that some real estate people were viewing our offices this afternoon. There were about 5 people staring at me dancing about from the next room. Um... at least I wasn't singing. My cheeks are still a bright shade of Pantone 190.
July 27, 2004
Late Night Polish TV
In my bedroom there is a small television. This lil television was a gift from a friend when I learned life lesson #2537 - Why NOT to place plants above brand new large televisions during the height of hockey (and therefore telly watching) season.1 This particular set comes in very handy as I can watch the BBC World News whilst falling asleep and nod off to soothing proper English accents. If, for some reason2, I do not sleep before the news is done, all sorts of hell can break loose...
Last night... after finishing the expectedly teary biography of Dusty Springfield, I turned on the wee telly. Flipping through the eight or so channels of non-Spanish speaking programming (mostly infomercials or ridiculous dating shows) I settle on a very soothing voice and close my eyes. I've settled on Polvision™. Polvision™ 3 does not mean staring at poles planted in the ground like some form of public art but instead is television programming for the large Polish population in Chicago. One always hears about town "Did you know that Chicago has the largest Polish population outside of Warsaw?" I mean it... we hear this often. This statistic always confuses me... why Warsaw? Why not Poland as a whole? Secondly, where did this statistic come from? After googling this I find through The Free Dictionary entry on Casimir Pulaski that I am not the only one who doesn't know where this stat comes from.
Enough of this census nonsense... I'm trying to sleep and listening to the beautiful sounds of a polish sitcom4 when my near-sleep state is interrupted by what sounds like a circus clown has entered my bedroom banging on a plastic toy drum. In the midst of the bang-your-head-on-a-low-overhead-sort-of-physical-comedy-ha-ha-ha that's going on, the sitcom has taken a break for what appears to be a Dali inspired silent cartoon (full of circus music). Public television is full of all sorts of oddities but I had to rub my eyes several times to make sure I was seeing this cartoon right. There were sleeping children being sewn up into pillowcases and locked in barns, birds implementing extensive pulley systems to get boulders from a quarry, old men falling asleep (um dying?) in fields while small children could not wake them, kids building a stone wall around themselves to keep out lil black birds (which they and a lil green bird constantly taunt with handfuls of birdseed)... I half hope I was dreaming and that lil Polish children are not raised with this sort of scary animation on a regular basis.
1 apparently... when overwatering a cute lil bromeliad and the water runs INTO the face of the telly... you can short out the entire electrical supply and kill the television! who knew?
2 oh... a reason like the fact that i have horrible bouts of insomnia when under large amounts of stress... or that I spent far too long watching the DNC last night and therefore missed the BBC world news all together.
3 i really doubt that ™ is necessary but it amuses me.
4 for some reason ridiculous potty humor sitcoms seem glamorous to me when they're in a foreign language.
July 8, 2004
Ooooooh Look! Scientologists!
Ooooh you stupid doofus! The word doofus exists purely for the description of the dumb fool Di and i saw rear end a cop car last night. The funniest bit is that the stupid ass was probably doing the same thing we were which was screeching "ooooh look... Scientologists!" as a random gang of Scientologists had taken over the sidewalk in front of the Lincoln Ave "Center For Scientology". (It should be noted they looked especially new-agey-weirdo-creepy with all those khakis they were wearing and suitcases they were holding.) Bonus points to me for having my foot on the break at a red light though. Doofus however must have forgotten that part cos as soon as the word "Scientologist" had come out of my mouth we immediately hear a "THUNK" and look forward to see the now attached rear end of Doofus' Hyundai and random Chicago Cop's bumper. After dropping Di off I drove back past on my way home and found this doofus surrounded by four CPD squad cars with his head in his hands just shaking to and fro with the obvious expression of "what have i done... what have i done". The lights were bouncing their wonderful red and blue beams about the surrounding buildings and a gaggle (yes an entire gaggle) of Chicago cops were pacing about with flashlights throwing very serious do-you-know-what-you've-done looks to poor Doofus.
The rest of the evening, although funny (like when i knocked over a very LOUD metal bookend thing full of endless supplies of menus and things onto the tile floor of the restaurant making a huge clatter and turning every head in our direction)... pales in insignificance.
July 1, 2004
cars, kids, huh?
During my lunchtime perusal of the neighboring streets I came across the oddest billboard. Picture this... on the side of a three story building is a GIANT banner... The banner has to be at least 40 ft wide and several stories high. BIG. REALLY BIG. On this all white square are the words "CARS FOR KIDS!!!" written in a rainbow colored backward-S type "little kid" font along with a childish drawing of a boxy car and a phone number (that i couldn't be bothered to remember or write down).
The building this banner is hanging from is about half a block from this here office from which I type... I've obviously seen this before but NEVER has it entered the forefront of my conscious because think about it...
Are they supplying small children with cars? Is that really a safe thing to do? We have enough maniacs on the road as it is, do we need to be wary of those who can't reach both the steering wheel and the pedals at the same time? What good does it do to give them keys to a brand new Cadillac if they can't get a driver's license?
Perhaps they aren't supplying the under-16's of Chicago with automobiles... maybe it's a trade-in program. Here... you give me your car and I'll throw some free kids your way! Can you imagine the street vendor pushing this program? "Get em while they're hot... piping hot small children... all it takes are the keys to that brand new Lexus. Come and get em... they're flying out of here so quickly we can't keep them stocked!"
Surely that can't be it. Does it work the other way? Could I trade in a Toddler for a Toyota? I've worked my head around this every which way to Tuesday and yet I can't figure out how in the hell this program makes any sense. I think I need to go back and write down the number...
June 23, 2004
Dumb Questions of the Day
To head off all future dumb questions that appear to be flying at me today from every which way I will post a series of answers:
- No, when my headphones are in my ears, I cannot hear you.
- Yes, I am dancing in my chair.
- Yes, the name on my birth certificate is Elizabeth. My mother did not name me "Liz".
- No, I don't think she minds that I go by Liz.
- It looks like a tea kettle because it is a tea kettle.
- Yes, it is a getting rather warm outside. I understand these things are quite common in summer.
- Yes, I am wearing a skirt today.
- The president IS quite dumb isn't he?
- Yes, I do think there is such a thing as a dumb question.
- Yes, Ray Wonder's 'Totally Crazy Dude' might be one of the cutest, poppiest songs in scandinavian music history but it will never be as good as "General Hugging Centre".
June 22, 2004
My Uncertain Doom
I cracked my morning egg into a bowl this morning and gasped... my egg had TWO YOLKS. Surely this is a sign of some impending doom. I thought that I clearly shouldn't eat this mutant egg, I should just thrown it straight into the trash and stop off for a bagel somewhere on my way to work... but I wanted eggs.
So now i've gone and done it. I ate the freak show egg. I will probably grow some sort of third eye now or shrink to the size of a hand puppet. I'm convinced i've brought a plague upon my house... I sure hope it isn't the frogs.
Forget all the "so what do you?" small talk I must already endure... can you imagine what's to come?
Random Stranger: so... I notice you're about 2' tall, how did that come about?
Me: (climbing onto a stack of large pretentious dutch architecture books) I wanted an egg for breakfast
Random Stranger: Was it one of those freakshow ones with 2 yolks?
Me: Yes! Quite obviously! How else do you think I got into this strange position?
Random Stranger: Didn't your mother ever tell you to look out for those double yolks?
Me: No! No she didn't!
June 14, 2004
Who said Rem Koolhaus was good for nothing?
I'm 5' tall. 5' 1.5" to be precise but basically 5' tall. I've normally reveled in my short stature. It gets me to the front of shows rather easily and really i've never wished to be that much taller. An inch or two wouldn't hurt but i'm ok as is.... UNTIL THE FIRE ALARM.
My flat has 10' ceilings. Beautiful but not so handy when the damn fire alarm that's bolted to the ceiling keeps jolting my every nerve every time it makes it's loud "EEEEEEEEEEEEH" noise because the battery needs to be replaced. I have a step ladder of course. How else would I reach those dishes and things that must be stored on the high shelves? Even with the step ladder though I can't reach the ceiling. I had this problem once before when the light bulb in my bathroom burnt out... luckily my 6' tall neighbor was around to be bribed with cider.
In scott's absence however it took my tallest pair of boots (very nice blood red platforms that I should wear more often), a 3" thick book on art history, a 5" thick copy of S, M, L, XL by Rem Koolhaus and extended tippy toes in order for my fingers to barely touch the ceiling. Of course, once I managed to remove the defunct battery the damn alarm kept squealing in it's nasty falsetto. Instead of just having this near death experience once I had to go to the store, buy a new 9 volt battery (does anything OTHER than fire alarms still use 9 volt batteries?) and take my precarious perch up the ladder one more time to put the thing back together.
I survived obviously. I nearly toppled the first time but the second time I had become a pro. So if anyone needs very tall batteries changed or light bulbs replaced... i'm yer girl (but only if I have pretentious dutch books on architecture to break my fall).
September 5, 2003
Hate Mail of the Day
On August 27, I posted a small news story on Excellent about The Strokes. Today, I received some sort of odd email about the article...
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From: XXXXXX XXX XXXX
To: liz-at-excellentonline.com
Subject: sad
Date: Sep 5, 2003 1:08 AM
Hello, im XXXXXX XXX XXXX, how do you do?
i do great, anyways...
although i appreciate the fact you composed an article on the strokes new record so quickly, it felt as if you wrote it because it is the hip thing to cover on a slow september evening, not because you particularly like the strokes. i know i know, you dont always like things that you write about, but the strokes are something diffrent. the way people talk about the stones now is how people will speak of the strokes thirty years from now, fact. its just a bit sad to me, thats all. the strokes are amazingly perfect. dont be one of the ONES that has the negative impression on things when others do for blank reason. the last line about the EXACT opposite things julian said was false. that was in fact a quote from the reporter for mtv. i am a writer and i, if you couldnt tell, love the strokes, so i figured i would share. LISTEN to the strokes.
XXX XXXX
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So obviously I had to reply to the pretentious idiot with as much if not more pretention...
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good morning XXXXXX,
thanks for the concern about my strokes news story. to tell you the truth it's purpose was just to inform our readers about the release of the new album. the newsbit has nothing to do with my like or dislike of the band. when reading about the new album release i found it mildly amusing that different people involved were giving opposite impressions to the press.
not to needlessly argue my symantics, but i did not state that the mtv bit was from julian. "that's strangely the EXACT opposite impression Julian Casablanacas gave a reporter for VH1/MTV News". my quote is of the mtv news story, not julian.
our coverage of the strokes has nothing to do with some sort of hip quotent (although in my personal opinion i do not find the band to be the least bit hip but rather manufactured). just to ease your worry, i *have* listened to the band many times and seen them live. personally, i disagree wholeheartedly that people will discuss the strokes 30 years from now with the same amount of generation-defining emotion as aging hipsters talk about the stones. a band with one album under their belt thusfar cannot be the voice of my generation. the stones and the strokes are not even on the same playing field. julian's obvious idolitry of jagger does not make him jagger. if that were the case i could legally change my name to sarah cracknell.
ta!
liz