Headphones On

I'm a private person. I often bite my lip when what I really want is to scream from the rafters that something is WRONG. My best friend, the one I've known since I was nine, has often accused me of being too secretive about the parts of my life that I shelter from the world. She's right. She's always right.

When everything around me seems to be going wrong, I take my stress out in the wrong way. I escape to the bar to hang out with friends whilst drinking one to many whiskeys. I vent at whomever happens to be standing near my desk. I escape into the solitude of my headphones and spend endless hours playing The Clientele to the point that a cassette would begin to hiss. I wander my neighborhood streets waiting for rabbits to hop out of the bushes. What I don't do is often talk to anyone about the root of my problem. I clam up and become that person who doesn't want to bother you or that person who doesn't think that if they open their mouth and start explaining what's wrong that they'll be able to stop talking.

For the same reasons I don't often tell people when I've won an award or achieved a personal victory, I don't tell people when it's all falling apart. So here goes nothing... today I feel like it's all falling apart. Welcome to my mind that I fear I'm slowly losing. The stress of my life has completely overtaken any semblence of calm I had left. I am so close to the end of my rope, I can feel it fraying in my hands. I feel helpless. I would eagerly await the weekend if I felt like I would even be able to take a break to regain that calm. My work life has completely taken over everything else, or what was left of everything else. I need a mental health day but if I tried, the millions of plates i'm so desperating trying to spin would all come crashing down.

I want nothing more than a good night's sleep, but it's not coming tonight. I'm not sure if or when it will in the near future.

Buy some: The Clientele